This weekend has been tough. A trip which involved being out of my comfort zone and sober bubble has left me feeling a bit fragile. Why does it have to creep up on me like this just when I was feeling like life was getting a bit easier and I was feeling more comfortable than ever in my new skin.
I was in the company of friends who were enjoying food and fine wine and I was just desperate to get my hands on a glass of some for me. I didn’t, of course, cause I am on the 100 day challenge so it’s not an option to drink even if the sight of it across the table has me salivating and I want it so badly I can actually taste it! I was absolutely sick of sipping my non mind altering soft drink and was so envious of the relaxed, sociable glow that was coming over everyone else but me. I was jealous, I was feeling sorry for myself, I was overwhelmed.
I didn’t drink, I ate far too much instead which didn’t help me feel any better. I just wanted the night to be over so I didn’t have to watch anymore and not be able to participate. I didn’t really feel any better this morning, just sad at how different everything is for me right now. How much I have had to change, how I can never escape my own head or just take the weight off my shoulders for an evening to forget everything. How do “normal” people cope with feeling like this all of the time?? Don’t they ever want a break from it all? God, I sound like such an addict there..
Being sober takes more than not drinking. It is hard work and it takes serious concentration. I am a bit tired of it and this leads to me feeling overwhelmed with the enormity of it all. Sometimes it all seems just a bit too serious not boring just grown up and I am not used to it.
I am trying to focus on all of the wonderful positive things that being sober adds to my life and I know these far outweigh a few blah, negative feelings on a Saturday night just because everyone seems to having a better time than me. Overall, I have been happier in the past couple of months than I have been for years so why a simple craving for a glass of red wine can have such a huge effect on my mood, I don’t understand it. I don’t want it to have such power over me. I hate that it does. I don’t want to drink. I don’t want the guilty, remorseful feelings back. I don’t want to feel sick tomorrow. I don’t want to start obsessing about wine again, counting units, making resolutions, wrestling with my conscience over and over. I don’t miss any of that. So why do I let a craving for the taste of a glass of wine, the desperation to hold a wine glass and feel content, knock me for six like that? I am annoyed and disappointed with myself.
I know it is better this way. I know it will pass. I know that with every day, every time I do something new sober, it gets easier. But when it feels like this, I get so close to the, fuck it’s, that I wonder if I have travelled any distance here at all and if my mind will ever truly be free.
Sure, there are many good days but then there are days when I wish I could run away and hide and not be around booze anymore because it’s still raw and it hurts a bit too much.
Carrie On Sober 
You are more powerful than your cravings… And you proved that last night ! It’s hard, but it’s worth it, and it will keep getting easier.
I can relate to the “not being able to escape my own head” – this feeling is what’s caused me to return to day 1 time and time again. Hopefully we can both discover other ways to quiet our minds and get rid of the stress and anxiety.
Here’s to finding all sorts of new ways that are better than the old ones! Pass on what your find best for coping? x
There’s these herb infused carbonated water drinks I rely on heavily, the brand name is SIP, but I’m not sure if they’re only local or not (They’re made in Vancouver, Canada.) Lavender is my favorite 🙂
Also, long bubble baths, video games, and reading these blogs !
Yes I too have struggled to imagine a life where there is no way of getting out of my own head, no way to flip the off switch and close my brain down. But I guess when you’re drinking for that reason you’re not solving any problems, you’re just delaying them until the next day, when you have to deal with it whilst hungover. There are other ways of relaxing. You did really well. Like we were saying, some sober nights out are better than others!
I am lucky that I have other things in my life that I absolutely love doing. Cooking, baking with my kids, running gives me such a high. Those things are just not going to happen on a Saturday night, shame 😉
x
You’re doing great Carrie! Normal, normal, and normal feelings. God I felt so awkward those first 90 days. And honestly those first 30 were pretty tough. I felt just about every emotion under the sun. And I wasn’t used to feeling anything. But you’re right, it does pass, eventually…. Just gotta ride it out or tune it out. Are you still running? That helped me a lot.
xx, C
That is reassuring to hear that it’s normal to feel so awkward, it’s a feeling I don’t usually entertain, in fact I usually prefer to numb most of my feelings away, so have actually discovered some great ones lately too! Riding it out is the key, patience is something I am working on. I have no choice. I was delighted to read on your blog that you don’t spend every day thinking about being sober now and that you just are. It’s such a tonic to hear things like that from you guys as that is where I want to be oneday. Running lots, it’s such a head clearer and means I get to indulge in my love of sweet things too.
Thanks for your comments x
Your posts are great! I completely understand where you are coming from… I love the non-guilt, sober self in the mornings, but I also love the wine!!! It’s terribly hard, and I am in the early stages so I hope it gets better! I hate that you are feeling this way, but it’s nice to know it’s not just me!
It’s not you, you are not alone.
It’s awful for a while but it does pass.
It can and will be better and you can even be happy without wine, there is more to you….to life.
And yes, I did love it as much as you 🙂