Yesterday a friend cancelled a date, for the third time running. It was just to get-together with the kids, where we would feed them, sometimes we would eat too, always we would drink wine to ease away the stresses of motherhood and life in general.
To be honest I was probably quite relieved the first couple of times the date got moved as I was/am holed up in my little sober bubble trying to let as little of my “old” life in as possible while I gather up the tools and the knowledge I need to stand strong against my demons and live a life without the daily battle with wine.
When I have stopped drinking before, I would do just that. Put the glass down and carry on everything else in the same fashion. This was exhausting and I just felt like I was pretending all the time to be fine when really I was screaming inside to be allowed to join in with everyone who was still drinking around me. I was surrounded by my usual chaotic, sociable life but inside I felt desperately alone.
This time round I have decided to make it easier for myself by taking myself quietly out of the chaos, choosing the security of my home and immediate family where there is no pressure at all. I have avoided most social situations without being rude and have been very happily working getting some sober time under my belt to face the criticism and the judgement (I know, crazy, if you saw how much I used to drink socially!) with a resolution that can’t be moved.
I reached out to the sober community online and have in place a support system that is helping me to feel not only on track, but happy and excited about my journey to a new exciting sober life.
So now I kind of feel ready to put myself out there, call it, come out, if you like, of my sober hiding place and where is everyone?! Avoiding me, that is where they are! Social invitations have dried up, I don’t know if that is because I am not giving off the “I’m up for it” vibe, I have casually mentioned that I am on a health kick to my friends and as it’s not my first they will know that this means I am not boozing. But avoiding me on playdates?? Really? I know it is because I am not joining in, not playing the game and maybe that makes them feel conscious about their drinking. I don’t care, really I don’t, how much anyone else is drinking. It is none of my business and in their own head, if they are fine with it, then it isn’t a problem.
Why does it’s about me have to read it’s about you? It’s a real shame. Other people’s attitude really got to me before. But I am not going to give it validity this time. This is about me and my feelings, my life. I am putting myself first and I can do that with the help of my sober support network. Every personal connection I have made on that front matters to me.
So, I am ready for the next step in my sober plan. If they don’t like what they see anymore then that is going to be a shame but I am ready to take my chances and say I don’t drink anymore and see what happens. I am not drinking even if it means I lose friends and have to find new ones. It’s bringing out the rebel in me and I like it!