Home » Uncategorized » It’s not you it’s me…

It’s not you it’s me…

Yesterday a friend cancelled a date, for the third time running. It was just to get-together with the kids, where we would feed them, sometimes we would eat too, always we would drink wine to ease away the stresses of motherhood and life in general.

To be honest I was probably quite relieved the first couple of times the date got moved as I was/am holed up in my little sober bubble trying to let as little of my “old” life in as possible while I gather up the tools and the knowledge I need to stand strong against my demons and live a life without the daily battle with wine.

When I have stopped drinking before, I would do just that. Put the glass down and carry on everything else in the same fashion. This was exhausting and I just felt like I was pretending all the time to be fine when really I was screaming inside to be allowed to join in with everyone who was still drinking around me. I was surrounded by my usual chaotic, sociable life but inside I felt desperately alone.

This time round I have decided to make it easier for myself by taking myself quietly out of the chaos, choosing the security of my home and immediate family where there is no pressure at all. I have avoided most social situations without being rude and have been very happily working getting some sober time under my belt to face the criticism and the judgement (I know, crazy, if you saw how much I used to drink socially!) with a resolution that can’t be moved.

I reached out to the sober community online and have in place a support system that is helping me to feel not only on track, but happy and excited about my journey to a new exciting sober life.

So now I kind of feel ready to put myself out there, call it, come out, if you like, of my sober hiding place and where is everyone?! Avoiding me, that is where they are! Social invitations have dried up, I don’t know if that is because I am not giving off the “I’m up for it” vibe, I have casually mentioned that I am on a health kick to my friends and as it’s not my first they will know that this means I am not boozing. But avoiding me on playdates?? Really? I know it is because I am not joining in, not playing the game and maybe that makes them feel conscious about their drinking. I don’t care, really I don’t, how much anyone else is drinking. It is none of my business and in their own head, if they are fine with it, then it isn’t a problem.

Why does it’s about me have to read it’s about you? It’s a real shame. Other people’s attitude really got to me before. But I am not going to give it validity this time. This is about me and my feelings, my life. I am putting myself first and I can do that with the help of my sober support network. Every personal connection I have made on that front matters to me.

So, I am ready for the next step in my sober plan. If they don’t like what they see anymore then that is going to be a shame but I am ready to take my chances and say I don’t drink anymore and see what happens. I am not drinking even if it means I lose friends and have to find new ones. It’s bringing out the rebel in me and I like it!

 

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3 thoughts on “It’s not you it’s me…

  1. I have also chosen to live in a bit of a ‘social bubble’ until I feel more confident in my ability to say no. I think for us previous social drinkers, it really does help to be removed from the situations that trigger us until we are ready to face them. Losing friends may be part of the process – but if they can’t handle watching you make decisions that positively impact your physical and emotional health – then they likely weren’t the best friends to begin with!

  2. I like your attitude! I am feeling a bit like this too. I wish people would realise that me not drinking is in no way a judgement on them. I don’t mind what they drink as long as they don’t try to get me to drink! x

  3. It could be everything (most unlikely) or it could be nothing (most likely) in terms of why the social invites have slowed down. You mention being in a self-imposed bubble, and perhaps people have picked up on it a bit. I think putting yourself out there again might get things moving again. Just be careful in creating a “me vs. the world” thing, as that isolates us…and that;s not a good thing for people like us!

    We have to remember we are not in people’s heads, so anything we conjure up is most likely off base a bit. Now if people really are avoiding you because of the non-drinking thing, well, then perhaps they are not people you may need to hang out with right now anyways…or any more. Some people get a little strange about the non-drinking because it often puts themselves in the spotlight and gets them thinking about their own drinking. Not to say they are alcoholics, but they perhaps don’t like seeing their drinking habits.

    Regardless, stick to your support group, and it may be time to ride this part out a bit. See who comes around, see who doesn’t. But also being upfront with some of these people may remove the ambiguity and vagueness around your decision to stop drinking and their own reactions.

    Great post 🙂

    Blessings,
    Paul

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