This weekend has been tough. A trip which involved being out of my comfort zone and sober bubble has left me feeling a bit fragile. Why does it have to creep up on me like this just when I was feeling like life was getting a bit easier and I was feeling more comfortable than ever in my new skin.
I was in the company of friends who were enjoying food and fine wine and I was just desperate to get my hands on a glass of some for me. I didn’t, of course, cause I am on the 100 day challenge so it’s not an option to drink even if the sight of it across the table has me salivating and I want it so badly I can actually taste it! I was absolutely sick of sipping my non mind altering soft drink and was so envious of the relaxed, sociable glow that was coming over everyone else but me. I was jealous, I was feeling sorry for myself, I was overwhelmed.
I didn’t drink, I ate far too much instead which didn’t help me feel any better. I just wanted the night to be over so I didn’t have to watch anymore and not be able to participate. I didn’t really feel any better this morning, just sad at how different everything is for me right now. How much I have had to change, how I can never escape my own head or just take the weight off my shoulders for an evening to forget everything. How do “normal” people cope with feeling like this all of the time?? Don’t they ever want a break from it all? God, I sound like such an addict there..
Being sober takes more than not drinking. It is hard work and it takes serious concentration. I am a bit tired of it and this leads to me feeling overwhelmed with the enormity of it all. Sometimes it all seems just a bit too serious not boring just grown up and I am not used to it.
I am trying to focus on all of the wonderful positive things that being sober adds to my life and I know these far outweigh a few blah, negative feelings on a Saturday night just because everyone seems to having a better time than me. Overall, I have been happier in the past couple of months than I have been for years so why a simple craving for a glass of red wine can have such a huge effect on my mood, I don’t understand it. I don’t want it to have such power over me. I hate that it does. I don’t want to drink. I don’t want the guilty, remorseful feelings back. I don’t want to feel sick tomorrow. I don’t want to start obsessing about wine again, counting units, making resolutions, wrestling with my conscience over and over. I don’t miss any of that. So why do I let a craving for the taste of a glass of wine, the desperation to hold a wine glass and feel content, knock me for six like that? I am annoyed and disappointed with myself.
I know it is better this way. I know it will pass. I know that with every day, every time I do something new sober, it gets easier. But when it feels like this, I get so close to the, fuck it’s, that I wonder if I have travelled any distance here at all and if my mind will ever truly be free.
Sure, there are many good days but then there are days when I wish I could run away and hide and not be around booze anymore because it’s still raw and it hurts a bit too much.