Other people’s dreams are just boring so I will try to keep this short.
I had a really vivid drinking dream when we were on holiday. It was one of those where you wake up and the panic rises while you try to figure out if whether what you think happened, actually happened or if you were dreaming.
I had a beer. I don’t recall why I had decided to drink the beer but in the dream I was just finishing the last sip although I couldn’t recall drinking the rest of the bottle. My husband had just handed me a second one (of course th ere had to be more beer, even in my dream!) when the realisation hit me that I am not meant to be drinking!! I quickly handed the second one back to him and said that I hadn’t intended to blow my sobriety and did he think that I had completely fucked it up by having the first one? Did I need to start over? Should I tell Belle, or not even mention it… maybe one didn’t matter? Oh God, I can’t face going back to day 1? Shit, shit, shit! I could still taste the remnants of the beer in my mouth and it was disgusting. Did I really just blow all of my hard work and effort, all the good that has come from being sober and seeing things more clearly, why would I throw that all away for a foul tasting, pathetic little green bottle of shitty poison. If I keep drinking this stuff, all I will get in return is a hangover and a bunch of regrets. No, I decided, I wasn’t going to have anymore.
I was overjoyed when I realised that I had been dreaming, I was nearly tearful with relief.
I can’t do recovery again. I don’t know why this time is different but with every day I spend away from alcohol I gain some more momentum. With each step I get a little bit more of myself back. I don’t always like what I see.Some days are good, some days are just rubbish. I can’t change or fix everything. I just have to take it, feel it, live it. No more life on hold. Just living, not dreaming and definitely not drinking…