I struggled a bit on holiday with extended family. The family element wasn’t stressfssful, per se, but it definitely took me a whole lot out of my comfort zone and I felt awkward and at times I felt stressed.
Feelings of any description make me want to drink. I don’t always drink the second the feeling occurs, but I like to drink over said feeling at the earliest opportunity, usually the same evening. But, I couldn’t do that.
Being on holiday, with nice surroundings and good weather makes me want to celebrate, relax and switch off with a drink. Couldn’t do that either.
Booze was everywhere. In my face at every turn. The sun was shining and in our culture that simply means get the alcohol out! My party weren’t big boozers and no one commented on my not drinking. I had told the family I was on a health kick and it wasn’t mentioned again, so that part was a relief. I was also surprised as I always am at how little the people around me drink when I am not egging them on. I was such a bad influence!!
I didn’t want an actual drink, wasn’t craving exactly but I didn’t want to entertain my feelings either. I didn’t want a beer or a glass of wine, what I wanted was to anesthetise.
This realisation frightened me. I am scared that I am going to have to face everything in my life head on. Without the crutch, I feel a bit shaky on my feet. I know I need to take one situation at a time, but I was overwhelmed at how much I wanted to cower down behind a sofa with a bottle of booze and self medicate my way out of feeling awkward and uncomfortable. I really wanted to check out.
I am quite ashamed at what a coward I have clearly been in my life so far. I am sad about the situations that have gone before where I could have handled things differently had I been facing my life rather than running away from it. I scared that I will now be a pathetic mess every time something difficult comes up. Sometimes, I feel like I am a totally different person to who I thought I was.
I don’t want to drink anymore. I really don’t crave booze at home, on a night out, in my day to day life. But my unhealthy dependency on using alcohol as a major coping strategy is something that is going to take time to unlearn. It’s a bit of a bummer that this stuff doesn’t just go away overnight. there are no instant fixes, just deep breaths…and lots of them.