I’ve had some dreadfully realistic drinking dreams in the past couple of weeks. In one dream I was waking up after a heavy drinking session, having blown my sobriety. I felt sick, both from booze and shame. Dry mouth, banging head and a great black hole where the memories of the previous night’s drinking should have been. I could feel the dreaded ‘fear’ setting in and I had forgotten how fucked up that feeling is…
– A sense that you have done yourself some lasting damage after a night of drinking;
– A feeling that you are going to die soon (and not just due to other hangover symptoms);
– A feeling that death might actually be an option or a solution. A lack of value for your own life.
– Angst that you may have offended, inappropriately touched or even physically attacked someone the night before;
– Absolutely dreading the next time you meet the people or return to the bar where you degraded yourself the previous night.
This ‘fear’ is often accompanied by “The Remorse” where you are also genuinely ashamed and sorry or the way you have behaved, as well as simply frightened for the sake of your own wellbeing.
I can’t believe I allowed myself to believe that drinking was a worthwhile, fun way of passing the time. Many a night out ended in me feeling depressed and really afraid. But, each time I would convince myself that the next time I drank it would be just a glass or two. I wouldn’t get myself in that state again. Why would anyone inflict that on themselves?
In the dream, all of these old familiar feelings were back but the overriding anguish I felt was for the disregard I’d had for my precious sobriety. I was so gutted that I had stamped all over the recovery I have worked so hard for. Drinking will never be any different for me and those feelings took me back to a place I don’t want to revisit. Boozing doesn’t hold a candle to my sober life. Drinking will always end in personal sacrifice. Recovery has helped me to see that I don’t have to choose that self- destructive path anymore. I will work hard and put my sobriety above everything because it’s worth it. I am worth it.
I’m coming up to a whole year sober and that’s a really exciting milestone for me. I think sub consciously (aka wolfie-fucker) I am worrying that the novelty of being sober will wear off once I get to one year. It won’t be all shiny, new and full of surprises. I have realised that I won’t get ‘there’ and be able to relax and put my recovery feet up. But, once the really hard work at the beginning had passed and the cravings had become less of a regular thing, I’ve actually embraced the adventure that is my sobriety.
Wolfie can fuck off out of my dreams, ‘cause he’s wasting his time. Recovery is what you make it and I plan to keep rocking mine.