Yesterday marked 7 months sober!
I am in a really good place.Cravings this past month have been almost non existent and I am just loving getting shit done! Haven’t had a dose of the woe-is-me feeling for ages…sure I have ups and downs but I am better able to cope with anything by being sober. I regularly take stock of the positivity the past 215 days has brought to my life and I try and remember the shit I was putting up with on a day to day basis before. Being sober is not the answer to all of my prayers, but my life has a whole lot more clarity now that I have taken ownership and responsibility of it once more.
We just had a big event at work, followed by an evening spent at the pub, then a restaurant where the booze and booze talk were flowing. I don’t choose to spend my evenings this way anymore but I work with a really entertaining bunch of nice people so it’s never too much of a chore. I am very comfortable with them although I did wonder what they would think if they knew the real reason I was “driving” again! I do worry about if I will be treated differently once they finally figure out that I am no longer the party animal I once was?!
I spent some of the evening pondering how to handle the Christmas do! I am trying to practise Belle’s “stay here” and “all is well, even when it’s shitty” theories. I only need to cope with today and it is Friday after all!
I haven’t been upfront with many people about why I got sober. I have my reasons for wanting to do it my way and I have been honest with the people whose reactions I can cope with or care about the most. I have written before about how I have gotten round it in the other areas of my life. I feel it’s my business, it’s really personal stuff. I feel raw, emotional and vulnerable about it. I hope one day I will be strong enough to bare my soul more honestly. I hate the stigma that surrounds having a drinking problem.
That said, I still have pockets of my life where my soberness is not even known. Worryingly, I quite like that there are some people who still think that I am the cool, fun loving, sociable, party girl I always was! It has surprised and upset me that one by one as people find out that you are not drinking , that the glass in your hand doesn’t contain wine but fizzy apple juice…how their perception of how cool you are, how much fun you are, changes? Almost instantly?! I am sad that these social situations are no longer going to be as accessible to me? You see, I still enjoy going out and the buzz of being around people at night time, getting dressed up, being silly, superficial even, dancing etc. Ok, when it gets to the late, really drunken part, I really do want to leave, be in my Pj’s, sipping tea! But, I have found that I just seem to make other people feel uncomfortable and they start reflecting on their own drinking etc, which is not enjoyable for them, understandably!
Maybe, like everything else in my sobriety, this too will ease and change as I have more time under my belt. People will get used to the “new” me and they might even like her? But, last night as I was driving myself home, I got a bit melancholy about the whole “fun”, “silly” side of things. It’s something I need to get my head around. Maybe it’s my attitude and not theirs that I need to work on. With time, I am sure I can handle it differently, not be so sensitive. I have seven months sober, for Christ’s sake, I can handle anything!