Home » Uncategorized » Six months and more…

Six months and more…

Post holiday, back to school, work deadlines have been keeping me busy but I am still here and still sober.

Six months came and went, well…a shopping trip and a new skirt later,  and cake, of course!

I’m thrilled to have made it this far and 200 days is just 2 days away. I have set a new goal of a whole year sober. Experience everything, every annual event sans wine, it doesn’t seem so daunting now that I am halfway there. I still can’t say forever, but I know, deep in my heart, that if I were to drink, I wouldn’t be able to fool myself like before. I have a heightened sense of my own self now. The inner me has a voice, I  have given that the power and have totally been reaping the benefits of the hard work it does on my behalf.

Is my life better now than it was six months ago? Hell, yes! I have peace of mind, I sleep soundly, I am proud of how I conduct myself ALL the time, I look better, I have lost a bit of weight and I am switched on, tuned in. The best bit…my relationship with my kids is better…closer, happier, deeper. I am here, I am present.

Sure I was some of those things before and I was getting some stuff done It’s just that now, I am consistently all of those things. Getting shit done is so rewarding and empowering after years of making everything TWICE AS HARD as it ever needed to be.

I get little cravings, maybe once a week now, maybe a bit less. Mostly, they are easily dismissed. On very rare occasions the pull to drink is there as if it never left me. I am always floored by how that feeling can sneak up on me and grab me so tightly it nearly takes my breath away. There is no escape anymore, so I take a deep breath and I face it and it’s still painful, like an old heartache. Maybe those old strong cravings will always come and go but I know how to fight them and if I repeat what I have been doing to get this far, then I will be ok.

There are times when I feel socially pressured to join in the boozing. Either because it’s expected or simply because I am feeling left out or a bit boring. I think about when I stopped smoking. I was a heavy smoker, hated it towards the end. I couldn’t imagine life without smoking. How was I going to fit in? How was I ever going to enjoy a night out without it? I felt like nothing was ever going to be the same. Well of course everything was even better without it. I look back now at smoking like it was the most ridiculous thing to have participated in, what a waste of money! Everyone pats you on the back for being so strong to have kicked the habit, even those still doing it openly envy what you have done and want that for themselves. I have never looked back.

Why is it not like that with alcohol? I have managed to get out of the habit, don’t miss the taste, don’t feel the need to be intoxicated to improve my self esteem, confidence, lifestyle anymore. I know it tastes horrible really and I am perfectly capable of enjoying a social occasion on it’s own merits. I see now that needing to drug yourself every night just to get to the end of a day in your own life is wrong.

 For me, I have removed the rose tinted spectacles when it comes to alcohol and see it for what it is….a drug. That I choose to live without. So why, when it comes to other people who are still participating in a boozy lifestyle, can I not look upon it in the same way I do for smoking? Why do I sometimes still want what they have? Is it simply that I just want to fit in? Is it that I still want some of that perceived “cool”

 If everyone said tomorrow that it wasn’t “cool” anymore, like has happened with smoking, would I endorse my sobriety more wholeheartedly? Am I that fickle? Then I realise that I have done everything in my physical power to change my life, now it’s my brain and my inner thoughts that hold all the cards.

 I am still giving alcohol too much power in my mind. I have in me the ability to turn around my feelings toward it. I am still holding on to a little something sentimental when it comes to wine.

It’s the old heartache again…and time is a great healer.

I need to let go. So, I can’t have it anymore. Someone else has it now, not me. I need to let those feelings go and not be jealous, ’cause sometimes it really eats me up.

Perception and the power of positive thinking is what I am working on now. No one is going to come up and hand me the solution to these negative, woe-is-me feelings. I have the power over my own feelings.  I sure as hell know I won’t find the answer in a wine glass, so I won’t be going there again.

And sure, all of this self examination is a bit draining at times,  am I self obsessed, all I ever do is think about not drinking??? But the result of all the time that I have spent on this over the past six months is far greater than just no more hangovers and no more obsessing about wine!

It’s giant sized leaps in my life across all areas that I never knew where possible. Day to day, I don’t always see it, but when I stand back, take a good look and add it all up. The sum total is so much more.

I am so grateful for that.

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17 thoughts on “Six months and more…

  1. I could have written so much of this, I feel the same. For me, at 15 months since my original quit date, only in the past few months (maybe two?) have I felt that nostalgia leave. I mean, I still do get a night or two here and there where I’m all feeling sorry about “what I’ve lost, the old me is gone,” but for the most part, that heartache that you speak of so well is gone. It was definitely NOT gone after 6 months. It’ll take a little while longer, but you just keep doing what you’re doing–amazing. xxx

    • Thanks DDG,
      It’s always great to hear that the feelings that still hang aroundwill become less intense over time.
      Like you, I had been somewhat holding back on the drive and high flying (fly by the seat of my pants) front but I realise I am still the same person with the same capabliities. I choose not to do some of the crazy stuff anymore because that was, well, just crazy. But I can be the same highly adrenalised, driven, successful chic I have been, and so can you!
      Cx

  2. I think I was at about six months when these feelings started for me too. You get some time and distance from the booze and you’re able to get some perspective. For me that perspective included a nostalgic view of the old me. With the help of the hubs, I realized that it wasn’t the booze I missed but the EXPERIENCE. All those romantic notions I had about drinking wine and wine drinkers, all of those intimate late night conversations with my guard down and that person who could be SO funny were gone. It made me sad.

    I allowed myself to pass through all of the stages of grieving when it came to the old me until I finally landed on acceptance. I still feel that longing and nostalgia from time to time but now I treat those feelings the way I treat all of my nostalgic feelings…I acknowledge it, remember it, and then sigh, let it go and return to the present. It’s much better here anyway.

    Congratulations on six months and your commitment to a year! No one says you have to say forever. You’ll have plenty of time to decide that when you get to a year.

    Bravo!!!

    Sherry

    • Hi Sherry,
      I love the way you describe riding the nostalgic wave!! I can just picture you doing that 🙂
      Romantic notions indeed, there’s a lot of comparisons to an old love affair when it comes to us alcoholics and our wine! It was never the love of my life though! Like you, luckily, I have one of those for real.
      Cx

  3. I could have written so much of this too. Someone talked recently about feeling nostalgic for something that never really was – how we can long for and miss our drinking when much of the reality had become horrible. But there were those good times too and it is such a hugely socially ingrained part of our culture it can be hard not to feel left out or boring. This is my biggest struggle even though I often just isolated when drinking and drunks can be incredibly boring when you’re sober.

    I feel exactly the same way about cigarettes too. I found it so hard to quit – at points felt like life would lose all pleasure somehow without it. That just seems bizarre now. Over two years on and the fact I’ve quit still makes me SO happy and I never, ever miss it – never. But booze is a trickier beast socially. Still, I do wonder if given more time we’ll feel more like we do about smoking, if not completely. At least, when I read the blogs of longer term sober people this is often the sense I get.

    I especially loved reading this:
    “I know, deep in my heart, that if I were to drink, I wouldn’t be able to fool myself like before. I have a heightened sense of my own self now. The inner me has a voice, I have given that the power and have totally been reaping the benefits of the hard work it does on my behalf.”

    Fabulous stuff my dear! You should be very, very proud of how far you’ve come.

    Oh and I often feel that way about all the time I spend thinking about not drinking. But when you put it in the context of the changes it leads to – it’s totally worth it! I mean, I spent just as much time agonising over quitting once, but not doing it, and that just led to more angst and misery.

    I’m so proud of you. Can’t wait to see what’s on up ahead for us both.

    Lilly xo

    • Nostalgia…it’s a place everyone has a right to and there are times when everything sucks and nostalgia gives us a momentary escape. And maybe it is ok to go there in our heads. I remember reading somewhere once “I can still have a nice glass of wine sometimes, but only in my dreams! I love Sherry’s feeling on it below. It’s about how we handle the feelings. We’ve handled worse!
      Thanks my friend xx

    • Thanks! I never in a million years dreamed I could get to six months sober and feel I have gained so much. Thought I’d have to live feeling deprived all the time. Instead it’s just a teeny fraction – we can live with that, right?
      C x

  4. ” I see now that needing to drug yourself every night just to get to the end of a day in your own life is wrong.”
    OMG that hit me so hard, you nailed it. Congratulations and I really enjoy reading your blog.

  5. I have just read your entire blog in one go! You’re just brilliant. I am learning how to be sober, Day 8, and I will keep coming back to your posts because they are so honest and real and clever. Thank you for sharing this journey. Hope I get to 100 and beyond like you.

    • Hello!!
      You can and will do it. It’s a wonderful journey, I promise. Stick with it through the bumps, as they will come, and you will get back so much more than you ever did from a shitty bottle of wine!
      Day 8 might seem small but you are already miles away from a shallower existence. Don’t look back!
      C x

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