Post holiday, back to school, work deadlines have been keeping me busy but I am still here and still sober.
Six months came and went, well…a shopping trip and a new skirt later, and cake, of course!
I’m thrilled to have made it this far and 200 days is just 2 days away. I have set a new goal of a whole year sober. Experience everything, every annual event sans wine, it doesn’t seem so daunting now that I am halfway there. I still can’t say forever, but I know, deep in my heart, that if I were to drink, I wouldn’t be able to fool myself like before. I have a heightened sense of my own self now. The inner me has a voice, I have given that the power and have totally been reaping the benefits of the hard work it does on my behalf.
Is my life better now than it was six months ago? Hell, yes! I have peace of mind, I sleep soundly, I am proud of how I conduct myself ALL the time, I look better, I have lost a bit of weight and I am switched on, tuned in. The best bit…my relationship with my kids is better…closer, happier, deeper. I am here, I am present.
Sure I was some of those things before and I was getting some stuff done It’s just that now, I am consistently all of those things. Getting shit done is so rewarding and empowering after years of making everything TWICE AS HARD as it ever needed to be.
I get little cravings, maybe once a week now, maybe a bit less. Mostly, they are easily dismissed. On very rare occasions the pull to drink is there as if it never left me. I am always floored by how that feeling can sneak up on me and grab me so tightly it nearly takes my breath away. There is no escape anymore, so I take a deep breath and I face it and it’s still painful, like an old heartache. Maybe those old strong cravings will always come and go but I know how to fight them and if I repeat what I have been doing to get this far, then I will be ok.
There are times when I feel socially pressured to join in the boozing. Either because it’s expected or simply because I am feeling left out or a bit boring. I think about when I stopped smoking. I was a heavy smoker, hated it towards the end. I couldn’t imagine life without smoking. How was I going to fit in? How was I ever going to enjoy a night out without it? I felt like nothing was ever going to be the same. Well of course everything was even better without it. I look back now at smoking like it was the most ridiculous thing to have participated in, what a waste of money! Everyone pats you on the back for being so strong to have kicked the habit, even those still doing it openly envy what you have done and want that for themselves. I have never looked back.
Why is it not like that with alcohol? I have managed to get out of the habit, don’t miss the taste, don’t feel the need to be intoxicated to improve my self esteem, confidence, lifestyle anymore. I know it tastes horrible really and I am perfectly capable of enjoying a social occasion on it’s own merits. I see now that needing to drug yourself every night just to get to the end of a day in your own life is wrong.
For me, I have removed the rose tinted spectacles when it comes to alcohol and see it for what it is….a drug. That I choose to live without. So why, when it comes to other people who are still participating in a boozy lifestyle, can I not look upon it in the same way I do for smoking? Why do I sometimes still want what they have? Is it simply that I just want to fit in? Is it that I still want some of that perceived “cool”
If everyone said tomorrow that it wasn’t “cool” anymore, like has happened with smoking, would I endorse my sobriety more wholeheartedly? Am I that fickle? Then I realise that I have done everything in my physical power to change my life, now it’s my brain and my inner thoughts that hold all the cards.
I am still giving alcohol too much power in my mind. I have in me the ability to turn around my feelings toward it. I am still holding on to a little something sentimental when it comes to wine.
It’s the old heartache again…and time is a great healer.
I need to let go. So, I can’t have it anymore. Someone else has it now, not me. I need to let those feelings go and not be jealous, ’cause sometimes it really eats me up.
Perception and the power of positive thinking is what I am working on now. No one is going to come up and hand me the solution to these negative, woe-is-me feelings. I have the power over my own feelings. I sure as hell know I won’t find the answer in a wine glass, so I won’t be going there again.
And sure, all of this self examination is a bit draining at times, am I self obsessed, all I ever do is think about not drinking??? But the result of all the time that I have spent on this over the past six months is far greater than just no more hangovers and no more obsessing about wine!
It’s giant sized leaps in my life across all areas that I never knew where possible. Day to day, I don’t always see it, but when I stand back, take a good look and add it all up. The sum total is so much more.
I am so grateful for that.