Home » Uncategorized » Denial has left the building…

Denial has left the building…

More social stuff has come and gone without great difficulty. Really I don’t gaze longingly at other peoples wine glasses anymore, a quick glance and a reminder of where it goes for me and I get on with the rest of my evening. This is helped by the fact that I really do avoid situations where booze is centre stage,  and I make sure that I have my exit planned in advance should I feel uncomfortable. Now that I think about it there were so many things I used to do purely as an excuse to drink or to feel better about my own all too frequent, greedy booze consumption. Places I would have otherwise never gone to, more importantly, people I would have never passed the time with. Denial doesn’t live here anymore…

I remember the very first time I tried drinking. I mean really drinking, not the sip your auntie gives you at Christmas or the taste of Champange at a wedding when you are eight, though I still remember how the bubbles tickled my nose and that the taste was yucky! I must have IMG_2735.PNGbeen 15 and we were on the way to a local disco. We ages pooled our coins together making enough money to buy a small bottle to share so that we could get drunk and then move on to the disco in a state of “cool buzzedness” We were so excited! I can still remember clearly the vile taste and the feeling of the liquid absolutely burning my throat on it’s way down. It was revolting.
Time passed, there was more experimenting and it wasn’t long until we moved on to beers which I found a bit easier though only just and I remember experiencing the first feelings of getting drunk. There was warm feeling, liquid running through my viens, following by the light headedness, dazed, then detached Then feeling like the room was spinning and wanting to vomit to expel the poison from my body to feel normal again.

Fast forward 25 years and I am at a neighbours party and I am guzzling wine like there’s no tomorrow. My husband is there so I don’t care how pissed I am getting  because it’s his turn to look after the kids. We come back to our house after a long day drinking, I prepare a meal for the family and a friend who is staying the night. I have no recollection of making or eating it. I only know this because the kitchen is a mess and someone comments that it was nice! We drink even more wine. I. wake the next day, feel like death, have to check the recycling to do the drinking math and wonder when we switched to red wine as I don’t remember that either?  The pain, the shame, the guilt, the remorse…and nobody says a thing?! Like this is the most normal course for a day out/evening to follow? I wait for the comments, though I wasn’t the only one drinking, I am sure that I was the worst, but they don’t come. I know this is fucked up, have known for a while but I don’t know how to change. I never set out to end up in this state. There is so much acceptance and covering up around alcohol it shocks me. I see this now because I am ready to stop. I still need to figure out how…

I binge drink regularly with other normal, together, hard working, upstanding people, usually it’s just adults, but sometimes the kids are there .I have been this out of control around the kids at least once before. I know this because I upset my youngest and she asked me to promise never to get drunk again. She didn’t mind my “regular drinking” ,but the crazy, loud, drunken Mum, that really scared her. Obviously, I promised it wouldn’t happen again and obviously I was unable to keep that promise.

So, when I woke that day to the remnants of another chaotic binge, I waited to be reprimanded by someone. No one said a word and I realised that there was a shitload of denial going on in my world. To allow that to continue would have been to allow my little girl to grow up believing this was normal behaviour, even though it repelled her? To do nothing would mean I would be breaking my promise over and over again.

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9 thoughts on “Denial has left the building…

  1. WOW did this ever resonate with me. I always expected so many comments of disapproval from either friends or husband – was I really able to put up THAT good of a front at hiding how freakin’ drunk I was? I think what you are saying is that it doesn’t really matter what other people think – it is what we think about ourselves – the fact that we KNOW we are not living like we should be living. My little girl (who is 16) is part of the reason for this most recent renewal of my journey. I think we have to do it for ourselves, but it adds fuel to our fire when we know we are also modeling a better way of living. This story (like so many I read) makes me wonder if I wrote it myself. Thanks so much for sharing!

  2. I think a lot of people are in denial about their drinking and very few are prepared to actually challenge others about their drinking. Drinking is just what we ‘do’ here, it’s how we have a good time (supposedly). It’s great seeing how you’ve changed!

  3. I can completely relate to this story. I’m new to the sober world (on day 12 of the 100 day challenge), and the last straw for me was a binge weekend. I can think back to numerous social occasions where I’d drink waaay too much and wake up the next day, scared to check my phone in anticipation of all the texts containing words of concern for my out of control behavior. But the texts, calls, comments, never came. Like yourself and other folks who commented here, I was floored that no one was outwardly concerned about me. I think a key aspect of this situation is that if friends/family call us out then maybe they fear that it will give us the right to shine the light back on them, and maybe they don’t want to call attention to their own personal issues…?

  4. This is really powerful. I love that you are outing all this dysfunctional behaviour (seriously you are me.. are you me?)… I love that you are looking around at all the acceptance and tolerance that goes on of heavy tragic dysfunctional drinking. I’ve noticed that for me I went through a stage of feeling utterly helpless that the entire world is booze soaked and it was a depressing reality of our world but the more time that goes on for me the less I see it’s everywhere.. I mean it’s a lot of places but it’s also NOT a lot of places if you know what I mean. This is rambling. Lovely to hear from you, I think you’re great. I love your writing and I love your journey and I love that you are sober. Yay for you xxx

  5. The clarity I received from sobriety has widened my perspective of reality. You are so right about denial. It’s everywhere. I now see through people that are fake or that lie. I see so much more of a person than before. I can notice when things are wrong and I tend not to ‘miss the point’ when people hint. It does make me feel so much more in control. Your daughter will also have so much love for you to know you are always there for her. Well done nice post.

  6. The crying child and…the promise.

    OMG! I will carry that particular guilt around for a long time because my kids know that I don’t promise often but when I do I NEVER break a promise.

    Until I did.

    Fantastic post. Thank you.

    Sherry

  7. “I wait for the comments, though I wasn’t the only one drinking, I am sure that I was the worst, but they don’t come.” … Brilliant. This resonated so much with me. Thank you for writing this.

    Awhile back I mentioned that I might quit drinking and my husband and friends said they didn’t think I had a problem. So I decided to set out to make them see I *did* have a problem. (Alcoholics are strange aren’t we?) Well, even then there wasn’t a word said. I realized I’d put people I loved in a position where they were enabling me and I felt horrible.

    Cue sobriety.

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