I am feeling better. I had a good run, nearly 10k. Ate sensibly (even though it was Friday!) and have FINALLY lost some weight!! Three months and I am down a few pounds from when I was drinking. I have totally over compensated with cake, chocolate and my soft drinks were all a bit calorie laden too. Seriously, some of the stuff I have been drinking had as many calories in as wine and I seem to have to drink the whole bottle even if there is no booze in it. When I am out somewhere with my “special” drinks I find I nervously play around with my glass a lot hence the over consumption. So, a few tweaks, and I do mean only a few, to my routine and upping the exercise again and I finally seem to be getter somewhere. I am not overweight but I really did believe that those 7-10 lbs I have always wanted to shift would just automatically fall off when I went on the wagon. So, I know it’s shallow but it makes me feel better and spurs me with the eating/exercise plan.
I am tired. I haven’t been sleeping all that well. Not really sure what that is about and I am not too worried about it but I know that feeling well rested is one of my coping strategies and I am making plans for this week to be better in the sleep department. Early nights are my key as I am not very good at getting back to sleep if I wake at dawn. I have also just not had any time to myself. The kids seem to still be on holiday mode and not going to bed on time and my evening and theirs have morphed into one and as a result my mind feels like it’s never getting a rest.
But I managed to get through a bad period of feeling tired and frustrated with having to fit recovery into my already hectic life without thinking that drinking would be a good idea. The extreme feelings pass and Friday night arrives without me even thinking that wine would add anything to my weekend. It just doesn’t occur to me to think about booze and the weekend and I am so thrilled with that progress.
In fact, my husband and I are planning a bit of “us” time in a few weeks without kids and choosing a destination, looking at ideas etc…lucky eh?. Anyway, I have been surfing hotels, things to do, beach/spa options and it just occurred to me today that NOT EVEN ONCE did I have the usual pang of “oh it will be nice to be away but holidays just aren’t the same without alcohol, sort of takes a teeny bit of the good out of it”. I just didn’t think it! This is massive progress. I am not worried about going away for a treat and not drinking. I couldn’t give a shit about the booze. Not bothered, Take it or leave it…I’ll leave it thanks. Wouldn’t add anything positive to my holiday.
This will be the fourth holiday I will do without booze and I am seeing the change in my thinking, finally. Another huge positive.
Booze would totally write off my already bad day, weekend, holiday, life. I don’t see it as an option for me. One drink wouldn’t be and isn’t enough for me. I didn’t crave it to relax or for it’s taste or for it’s sociable appeal. I used it to escape, numb, change, mask, distract, avoid, and obliterate. I used it. Like a drug. Like an addict.
When I feel the desire, craving, or need for alcohol creeping up on me, I don’t entertain the pretence that it is anything to do with a glass of wine. It’s just me, wanting to “use” my drug of choice again for whatever the reason happens to be at the time. It wouldn’t be a case of just starting to drink again. Drinking is what normal people do when they consume wine. For me, it would be going back to using my drug of choice…alcohol
Why on earth would I go back to day one again? I am prouder of myself than I have ever been. This is the hardest thing I have ever done and yet I am still doing it. And it gets easier people!! That’s the best bit!