Today started off really welI. I felt fine to begin with, absolutely comfortable, in a good place, cruising along with no foreseeable hurdles.
Then it all went a bit shit. Weird day at work, a rubbish run and a fight with my husband which I still don’t feel like making up, even though he was just wrong place, wrong time. My run turned into a frustrated walk through the park with tears streaming down my face, over nothing in particular and everything at the same time.
I don’t want a drink. Not fancying a crisp white wine or a nice cold beer. Even when I was at my lowest today, I knew that buying, opening and drinking a bottle of wine wouldn’t make anything better. I don’t feel like I deserve a drink. I have accepted that’s not the answer.
So, it’s not about wanting booze. I just don’t want to be in recovery.. I am frustrated that on top of being in a bad mood and having an off day, I have to cope with being an alcoholic. Today, I don’t want to drink but I don’t want to be a work in progress either. I don’t want to be on a journey of self discovery, searching for answers in everything. I don’t want to be changing my personality, adjusting my life. Seeking out the perfect path, analysing every move. Life is short, I want fun things to focus on. I don’t for one second think that fun involves alcohol. There is no way that boozing would lead me back to a happy carefree existence. LOL!
I just feel angry and sad that I have this thing whatever it is…I just don’t have the energy for it today. Think I may be just tired and feeling a lot sorry for myself.
Am now In bed putting an end to today and hoping tomorrow is easier, which it’s bound to be.
As tough as this feels, I would still rather be sober. There, I said it before I changed my mind.