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Why me?

Today started off really welI. I felt fine to begin with, absolutely comfortable, in a good place, cruising along with no foreseeable hurdles.

Then it all went a bit shit. Weird day at work, a rubbish run and a fight with my husband which I still don’t feel like making up, even though he was just wrong place, wrong time. My run turned into a frustrated walk through the park with tears streaming down my face,  over nothing in particular and everything at the same time.

I don’t want a drink. Not fancying a crisp white wine or a nice cold beer. Even when I was at my lowest today, I knew that buying, opening and drinking a bottle of wine wouldn’t make anything better. I don’t feel like I deserve a drink. I have accepted that’s not the answer.

So, it’s not about wanting booze.  I just don’t want to be in recovery.. I am frustrated that on top of being in a bad mood and having an off day, I have to cope with being an alcoholic. Today, I don’t want to drink but I don’t want to be a work in progress either. I don’t want to be on a journey of self discovery, searching for answers in everything. I don’t want to be changing my personality, adjusting my life. Seeking out the perfect path, analysing every move. Life is short, I want fun things to focus on. I don’t for one second think that fun involves alcohol. There is no way that boozing would lead me back to a happy carefree existence. LOL!

I just feel angry and sad that I have this thing whatever it is…I just don’t have the energy for it today.  Think I may be just tired and feeling a lot sorry for myself.

Am now In bed putting an end to today and hoping tomorrow is easier, which it’s bound to be.

As tough as this feels, I would still rather be sober. There, I said it before I changed my mind.

Goodnight .

 

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3 thoughts on “Why me?

  1. Major kudos to you! When I get like that, and it happens more often that I care to think about, that’s usually when I dive back into the booze. Yesterday was one of those days, and I managed to stay sober even in the face of being offered beer. As you say, “As tough as this feels, I would still rather be sober.”

  2. Recovery ruins a lot of things, doesn’t it? ha ha. I am laughing because i know exactly what you are saying. Sometimes i just want to not think about recovery…or more specifically, I don’t want to deal with the things that perhaps are making me think of recovery. Hmmm…

    The problem (if you want to call if a problem) is that now we are on this path of awakening to ourselves and to the possibilities and the self-awareness and introspection and discovery is that we really can’t go back, can we? We can’t just be willfully blind again. I guess we could – we could drink our faces off…but even then, it would be different knowing what we know now. So that puts us in a bind. Or so it seems.

    Yeah, there are some days I wish I could just shut the “I’m a recovered alcoholic” part of me off. But I can’t because I am praying, or meditating, or working with others, or hitting the sober blogging, etc. What I am finding though is that I am getting nice windows of time where that stuff doesn’t enter my mind. Where I can just be and do my thing and not put it in the context of recovery. Which is a HUGE deal for me (i wrote about my struggle with Too Much Recovery not too long ago). And like you, I sometimes don’t want to deal with it – I just want to be “normal” – but what does that mean really? I don’t know…I totally get what you say. And it’s just about balance. We have crappy days and we just get through them. Non-alcoholics have shitty days too…and they just get through them. No magic elixir or voodoo spells…we all just get through them. And we go to bed, wake up and start afresh 🙂

    Great post.

    Blessings,
    Paul

  3. I get it. There were days I was really pissed about being an alcoholic. Hang in there. This too shall pass – or however that goes! Hope tomorrow is better for you.

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