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Where is my chaos?

It’s been over ten weeks since I have any booze and I have been feeling a bit flat lately. I suppose the pink clouds can’t be around all the time and I have felt really good most of the time and I am grateful for that.

 

Socially, I have still been keeping my head down I would say that I have cut my social calendar by about 3 quarters if not more since getting sober. Some of that is my doing and some is just that the invitations don’t come as thick and fast when you are not giving off the “up for it” vibes.

 

I am not craving alcohol really, apart from the odd pang for the taste of a cold white or a rioja with some cheese, I am not missing drinking at the moment…I am missing the recklessness, abandonment or escapism that goes along with it. I feel a bit sensible, dare I say it, boring. I know that my not drinking doesn’t make me boring, I think that I have more to say, can function better, show up, am really present, am more sincere etc.

 

I just don’t feel so carefree anymore. There is so much stuff going round in my head about finding myself, healing, and recovery and frankly it’s giving me headaches. Some days I am ready to embrace it and other days it just feels like such a chore. Blah, blah, blah.

 

It’s just life trudging along and I am not very used to the flat road that I am on right now. I am craving my chaos… I had been living with only highs and lows in my life up till now. Feeling good, have load of drinks, then feel shit. Feeling shit, more booze, feel shitter. I don’t really know how to be bored or just be. I have got to learn how to do that and I am not the most patient person.

 

Anyway, there are lots of social bits coming up in the next couple of weeks. I have get togethers, some time off work, a mini holiday somewhere new and it’s got me thinking about the different situations and how I will approach them. But overall, I am looking forward to getting out and having fun. There must be sober fun to be had, hiding out there somewhere, I just need to find it!

 

Onwards and upwards J

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9 thoughts on “Where is my chaos?

  1. There you are! I’d been worried about you. I’m glad to see you posting but sorry to hear you’re feeling flat.

    Once again, I can relate to every word. I know being sober is what I need to do and I know it holds a lot of rewards but I hate how it makes me feel boring and uptight and no fun. I really struggle with this. I’ve just been posting about it in fact.

    I don’t know what the cure is except maybe to a) Sometimes just embrace it. A little boring is better than a lot chaotic and miserable. And b) Find more sober fun. Real fun. Undrugged fun. Fun we’ll remember.

    It is out there. I know it is. I look forward to hearing your stories about finding it on your upcoming holiday and events.

    xx

  2. holy i just had to check my blog because i knew i wrote about these exact feelings… i was on day 50 (7 weeks)… “If all of the drama in my life is self-created, because i’m uncomfortable with calm and peaceful wellness, then i need to give that up (again). Drama and struggle don’t have to be something i pull along behind me, like a worn sweater. Drama and struggle are optional. I am not drinking, and that’s just the way it is. I need to get over myself. No Drama Here.” I think you can insert ‘chaos’ for ‘drama’ 🙂 and if you’ll allow me a direct link, there’s more here > http://tiredofthinkingaboutdrinking.wordpress.com/2012/08/19/you-can-wait-and-see-or-you-can-fuck-it-up-your-choice/

  3. This is very common. Like Belle, I know I wrote something about this at some point. And this happens to most, if not all, recovering alcoholics. I remember being at a meeting where this guys told everyone that he was bored, that life got dull and he missed the drama and chaos of when he drank. He was half joking…half serious. And believe me, some people do go back out because of something that on the surface seems silly. But the sense of that flat road you talk about, that sort of dull path, gets to some of us and then boom – instant drama in a bottle. And of course the nonsense (and possible death) that comes with that.

    It’s just one of those things that we go through. Many, many people have gone through this, and comes up often in meetings and online. There IS sober fun out there, and hey, life isn’t one action movie sequence after another. There are times I just need to fold my laundry and stare at the wall. And I am ok with that. Better than puking in an alleyway or wondering if the cops are going to pull me over and blow over. I’ll take the holey socks any day.

    lilly and Belle make good points in their responses. We all go through this, and it’s a matter of learning to accept that this is part of sobriety, but doesn’t define sobriety. There IS a lot of sober fun…and like you said, we just gotta find it 🙂

    Paul

  4. There is sober fun to be had. I found it with my friends from the Meetings I attended. It was amazing how much I enjoyed the experiences of going out with friends for coffee or dinner after a Meeting. The transition to a good time without alcohol was surprisingly easy when surrounded by folks who weren’t drinking as well. You can do this! Good luck. 🙂

  5. Pingback: No highs, no lows | The Sober Journalist

  6. Man, I can relate, too. All I can say is, the longer you’re sober, the longer you start to appreciate the fun in the event and not in the anticipation of drinking and/or the drinking itself. I’ll tell you one thing: being sober has allowed me to see just who is a bore and who isn’t, just who is “worth” hanging out with (because the exchange is about care, insight, productive relating) and who is about drama or passive aggression or not quite there yet, as far as what I want and need from buddies.

    One thing that bothers me–but, it’s improving and proving to be just that, a bother, a needless worry–is not having that sort of reckless edge or fuel that drinking gave me on a professional level. I feel like drinking gave me just enough reckless who give a shit-ness to like, work 12 hours a day, or take a trip on my own, or put my career before family–as long as I could wash it away at night with wine. Now, I’m fully aware of this, and well, I worry that my career is over because I’m no longer able and willing to live so recklessly. What I have to say about that? So fucking be it. Drinking again, the way I used to, is not an option for me. Having no ups or downs is better than crashing cars, getting arrested for disorderly conduct, or having unsafe sex with loser guys ANY day!

    This too shall pass! xx

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